i had a really good conversation with an old friend today. actually, we’ve been friends for 20 years now. we shared a lot of experiences growing up; some good, and many devastating. one such devastating experience was one of my first heartbreaks from the Church. i just stopped typing because after 10 years, i still don’t know how to talk about this. i just sit here and cry. *breathe* ok. without going into details, let’s just say that it took me eight years to go back to that church and sit on the stage…stand behind the pulpit…face the empty seats that my dad preached to…sit behind the piano and play the first key i learned there (A)…join the congregation in worship. i know deep within me that i have forgiven that congregation for the wrong that was done to my family- to my father. i remember being so angry the day that my dad announced his (forced) resignation. i actually stood up and walked out of the service. if no one else would take a stand for my family, at least i did. my family had done nothing wrong, yet we were abandoned. my friend’s family was also abandoned. she gets it. so we were talking today about how hard it is for us to trust the Church (or anyone really) not only because of what happened 10 years ago, but also because of what we have seen in other congregations since. we are both struggling with the concept of attending church now. we’ve noticed that several others who went through this 10 years ago are facing the same thing. in light of recent events in my life, i definitly have no desire to get involved with any church any time soon. it just seems to me that for something that was supposed to be defined by love, the Church is awefully abusive, especially to its leaders. a victim must forgive the abuser, but does that mean allowing the abuse to continue? does the relationship remain the same? or does the abuser need to change behavior? i’ve begun to recognize a pattern in my life concerning the Church: get beaten, walk away, forgive, go back, get beaten, repeat… yet we’re defined by love? it makes no sense. i’m left in this place now of having forgiven and desire reconciliation with the Church, but i am still terrified of my abuser. i am so terribly afraid that the next beating (as i’m sure one will come) will be the one that kills me.
Tyson said,
May 27, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I admit that I’m a bit hesitant to make myself too vulnerable to the church. Four of five pastors in our church serve on a volunteer basis. I am torn about this, because I know that my wife and I spend a lot of time making money to support our family that we might otherwise be using to build up the church. But, this arrangement does give us a lot of leeway in terms of governing the church. I’m afraid that if I depended on the church for a livlihood, our family would be much more vulnerable to politics, etc.